I can't sleep!!

Not with this person snoring on my bed....

whooo.. at least i have someone to snuggle with now? Unfortunately, he passed out while i was still eating dinner. Now he is snoring and i'm being ignored.


hmph. i want sex

Ho's before Bro's yo.

You would think that everyone would know this rule by now. (Bro's before Ho's if you're a guy), but nooooooo....

... you know what, it is not my fault that i set my eyes on a guy and i got him to talk to me (and give me back rubs, but thats not important), and YOU liked a guy and could not set up the courage to talk to him and initiate conversations.

NOT MY FREAKIN' FAULT

so don't you go telling people crap that might jeopardize my career. I thought we were friends? You were happy when things actually started going alright for me. But now you're doing all you can to keep me away and to get me in trouble, and telling other people to do the same thing and keep me away? I don't get it. I'm a little upset, i admit, but again, i'm sorry that you don't have enough imaginary balls to ask him out. Maybe i'll start flirting with him and get him to ask ME out just to piss you off. But you know what? I won't do that. I'm that awesome.

rant over. kthxbye

Going after what you want.

First of all, it's hard enough as it is to figure out what you want.
Secondly, it's heartbreaking to know that whatever it is you want, it's completely unattainable.

yes, i am talking about boys.

Or maybe yet... a man. I am done dealing with boys. I am done with the constant unassurance of their futures. I know what i want in my life, dammit. And if you can't deal with that then get out of my damn life instead of saying that "it might work out" or "im not those guys" or worse yet, "i love you".

Oh yeah, a man. Yep. Completely unattainable. Why is it that i NEVER get what i want? Sure, if i try sometimes i get what i need... but seriously, for once, can you please LIFE, give me what i want?

gimme gimme gimme

I Love Kissing..

Especially if they're from a specific gentleman that's almost 20 years older :)



say what


...

Frustrations

September 09, 2009
0122

It can never work out between us as friends
It's not as simple as it implies
We can't just turn a blind eye to what happened
Nor can i ignore my nightly cries.

I try to understand
I tried to be a friend
But when you tell me that you found some one else
Well..
I know my heart will not mend.

I have to do this by myself from now on
No more thinking of you, what you're doing, and have you moved on.
The answers are clear and every time i talk to you
It's always like you're stabbing my soul subconsciously
And you never, ever, know.

I've told you before, that i'm erasing you from my life
And i was doing so well:
laughing, dreaming, and slowly stopped living in strife.
But one call from you and my world came crashing down
You never thought about what i would feel
And i was back on square one.

As much as i would love knowing every single detail of your new life
I have to stop this game
It's over, every ounce of strength i've had is gone
Now if only i can tell you this... for the second time.

I love you, but now i have to love myself more
My adoration for you now I just completely abhor
I'm not putting myself in that situation again
It's time to think for myself;
Plan the life i've never thought of taking
Now that you've left.

The Driving Chronicles: America the Beautiful

When i was a kid growing up in the Philippines, i get wowed when i watch those American movies showing, well, America. Everything just looks so big, so beautiful,... so clean. I never fully grasp the fact that i'm now living in the US 'til i take my car out for a drive.

I was driving to Olathe earlier today and i was excited. First, i get to see my dad. Second, i get to see what driving through E I-70 is about. Up until yesterday, i've gotten as far as Manhattan and i remember not liking the drive at all. Everything was brown and it smells vaguely of smoke. Of course that can be contributed to the field burnings that was going on at that time. Minute details, i know.

It was a mighty fine day, (i also turned on the airconditioning because it was 85 degrees in my apt. when i woke up), the sky was a picturesque baby blue with thin wisps of clouds that dotted it every so often. There was a constant breeze (that decided to ignore coming in through my open windows), and the trees had a luscious green color on them. I decided to drive with my windows down and see how far i can go through without rolling them back up and turning the car a/c on.

I merged on the highway and pressed the gas pedal like a have a kilo of cocaine strapped on the bottom of my car (l-o-l Talladega Nights reference). The wind was blowing east-ward, making it an easy drive. What with the windows open, it felt like i was floating on the hot cemented road. The scenery was different from what i expected.... Green! I'm seeing green!

East of Kansas is very different from West Kansas (or so i'm told. Favorite Western Kansas Joke- Q: What's the official tree of Western Kansas? A: Telephone pole). There is more to see on the Eastern part of KS and of course, it holds the "coolest" cities in KS like Manhattan, Topeka, and Lawrence. Hills dot the sides of the highway. Rolling green hills... sorta the Sound of Music type, but not really; these are small hills. Once i passed the Manhattan exit, the road wasn't the straight-flat type that i was expecting... there were some turns, ups, downs.

It was wide, big, spacious... You could've seen for miles and miles and miles (*insert The Who song*). There were the occasional trees that line a stream but apart from that, it's just one big spacious green. It was beautiful. How can anyone not think so after the sight that i just witnessed? America is beautiful. And if i thought so just by driving through Kansas for crying out loud, what would i think when i see all 50 states? People that live in this country are so lucky to be living here, but i think most take it for granted. I guess you'd never really appreciate something until you've seen something completely different from your "usual" view.

I'm a proud non-American. I'm blessed and thankful to say that i live in such a marvelous place. From my kiddie eyes being wowed at the American films, to actually get to see them in person. You people need to like your country more, if not the government, love the place... is all im sayin'.

Everything's Not Lost

All instances in life can be summarized by a Coldplay song.

It is almost 5:30 in the morning and as i struggle to fall asleep after downing two generic PM medicine, iTunes played "Everything's Not Lost" for me and i thought (as i mostly do with Coldplay songs) "how fitting...hhm".

When you thought that it was over
You could feel it all around
And everybody's out to get you
Don't you let it drag you down

'Cos if you ever feel neglected
And if you think that all is lost
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah

Hoping everything's not lost

I've been suffering from what i think is a mild case of depression for weeks now. Maybe it's the fact that i'm living by my lonesome on a city where i don't know anyone, or maybe it's because i drove the one person i love away from my life; possibly Forever.

I am really thinking that everything is over and the whole world is out to get me. I do feel neglected and everything is lost! But that one last line.. "hoping everything's not lost". Sure, i've said over and over again that hope is a futile emotion. People get so caught up in it that they forget reality. They forget what really should matter and forget what should count as demons. But i can't help it! I hope and i hope and i hope. I've created this alternate reality that i just want to escape to. The other reality that everything is not lost. The other reality where i'm happy and the love of my life is with me. I wake up with a huge reality slap that it ain't gonna happen again. That part of my life is done and over with... time to move on. Right?

Right now i just want to feel loved again. I know i have my family and my friends who do just that. But sometimes, i feel like they say "i love you" because they have to. I haven't felt that genuine "i love you" from anyone in a long time. People just want to be loved, and i'm no different from anyone. I don't want to lay awake in bed thinking everything is lost.

life is for living we all know
And I don't want to live it alone

Often times i like being alone, in my room, thinking my thoughts. But this loneliness i feel is different. I like being alone when i have a choice to be alone, but right now, i have no choice but to be alone. I want to live my life and i certainly don't want to live it alone. I want someone with me. I want someone to be a witness to my life; so i wouldn't have to think about leaving this Earth without anyone noticing.

I'm going to start counting my demons. Leave the good ones on my shoulder and drive the other ones away. And hope that everything is not lost. I really do hope that there is some way to make this all better... and some way that i can get some sleep tonight.

A Bottle of Lidocaine

So, i had ER again last night and i was pretty busy for the first 6 hours of the night and i was working my 4th night in a row... it doesn't even need to be said that i was le tired.

So what do i do when i finally had a chance to have a conversation with the guy that i've been totally crushing on for the last month?

Talk to another guy, that's what.

*sigh*. I talk the talk but i never walk the walk. When it comes to talking to strangers, i'm perfectly capable of doing that. But talking to people that i have interest on? Forget about it. It ain't gonna happen.

I was thinking about it and i realized that i would probably talk to him once i find out if he's married, engaged, has a relationship with... whatever. Because it means that i don't have a whelk's chance in hooking up with him. My self-esteem needs to go up, right about... NAO.

When everything is all said and done.

Nothing changes.

The pain is still here, even after everything has been settled. I still cry a pool of tears when it should've stopped the moment that everything should stop hurting.

But no. It still hurts... even if i try not thinking about it; it pops up so unexpectedly that it catches me off guard.

I'm out of his life like i'm trying to push him out of mine. I love him way too much for me to keep holding on to memories and holding on to the hope that maybe someday... i love him that i finally have to suck it up, and let go.

How To Make Chocolate Ice Cream Taste Better..

... you put it in a Chicken Livers Bin. And that's exactly what my mom did.

Y'see, my family is Asian. We all have these weird Asian quirkiness; like putting chocolate ice cream on a Chicken Livers Bin.

-So, my family went and visited me (and bring my bed) this past weekend and before they left, my mom told me that i have ice cream in the fridge. I got excited; as i saw their truck pull away, i immediately went to the fridge and started looking for the ice cream. I couldn't find it! Why, that liar! How dare she get my hopes up on some chocolaty delights! Then i saw a little bin that wasn't there before. It says "Tyson Chicken Livers", how odd, why did she left me chicken livers? Hmmm... *opens* *smells like chocolate ice cream*.

Now, am i going to eat this? Permaybehaps. Depends on how bad i crave the ice cream. Hey, i know that my mom cleaned that bin out before putting the ice cream in!

So anyway: i got off work 2 hours ago. I worked 4 12-hour night shifts in a row and you can say that i am tired as fuck. But i don't know why i'm still awake. Maybe because while browsing on the internet, i was watching infomercials (the only ones on at 7 in the morning) simultaneously, and ended up saying "fuck it" and bought the P90x workout DVDs. All in all, they were about $300 so maybe that would motivate me into using them. Goddamit, i want some good looking abs. And if i do use it, i'd have some friggin awesome abs by the time summer rolls around. Heck ya! woop woop.

Let's talk about sex, baby... let's talk about sex.

Isn't that a song?

I realized how lonely i am becoming because earlier last night, i kept telling my boss about how lonely i am (no shit, Sherlock). I don't know if it was my tiredness talking, but i kept babbling on about how i need to find a guy, and in some conversations, all i want is sex.

I'm no slut. I just like baby-making.

Ok, i like baby-making without actual babies getting made. And i don't do casual. Why the heck am i typing this? I don't know... again, i'm dead tired and i just finished my rum. Rum is my anti-drug.

What i wanted to talk about is that: when i moved in this town, i told myself that i'm going to change for the better. How i'm going to be more outgoing, and have more self confidence. That didn't happen. Although i am starting to talk to people at the Emergency Department, i still can't bring myself to talk to the only person that i think is remotely attractive in this tiny shit-hole town.

And my boss heard me rant about that all night. Poor guy. But he was cool; he realized that i am going crazy because of the lack of company, so he politely (?) invited me anytime to his house in Abilene and hang out with his wifey and kiddo. I do need the company. Maybe i'll take him up on his offer.

Daytime is officially here. The sun is up and the sky is blue. Time for me to wash my face and go to sleep. I'll be dreaming of doing the workout and having an amazing body. Knowing myself too well, i probably won't end up doing it, i'm lazy as fuck. But i'm going to try, dammit. This is big buck spending here... might as well milk it til it's dry, right?

I don't even know what i'm talking about anymore. Walking/typing zombie!! aarrrggghhhh...

loves!

I talk way too soon.

- I realized that anyone smart enough with technology can easily figure out who i am. There goes being anonymous... Oh well, it's fun to guess anyway ;)

I've been formulating in my humanoid brain about the next blog. Will write soon, blog. Don't worry, your e-pages will be filling up with words here in a few.

Intro: Everybody Is Doing It

I go with the times... albeit, a little late. This is it. I made my own blogspot, and for what purpose?

This is for me, and for me only. I guess for you, whoever is reading this. If you've ever wondered about Life, if you ever got your heart broken, and if you ever wonder about if the billion people in China jump at the same time will the Earth move, then this is for you.

Let's see... important things to know:

I wish to remain anonymous. I'll give out hints on where i live and what i do but that is about it. The people i talk about will have their names changed. I wish to write without people knowing it is me, nameless, writing it.

I know i'm not a very good writer, nor do i excel in this thing called grammar. If you have a differing opinion then please, keep it to yourself. I'm not making you read my words. Just close your eyes and click away. Click away. Click away...

Now, those are the two most important things that needed to be discussed. This post ends now. Let the fun begin...