Last words

When the inevitability of death rolls along, what would be your last words? I know I tend to talk about "Life" a lot but it's the only concrete thing right now- and that's saying something seeing that Life in no way shape of form can be considered concrete. I guess the only "sure" thing about this life of ours is death.

Last words- are they really that important? Shouldn't what you've done in your short human years count more than the last words you ever said to anyone? Typically they do, but in this particular post- I want to talk about my mother.

See, here's the thing: I've always resented my mother. Like every other normal creature in God's green earth, I have a mother issue. I saw the way she raised me was unfit and totally messed me up for good. She was a traditionalist and I wanted to explore and gain knowledge and more freedom that I could ever manage to bite, chew, and swallow.

One thing I know is for certain though: I knew that she loved me more than Life itself. She was so incredibly selfless that anything I do just absolutely pales in comparison. My biggest regret is not telling her with any chance I had that I love her.

May 22, 2011 an EF5 tornado with over 350mph winds busted through the middle of Joplin, MO and claimed the lives of 162 people- one of them was my mother.

My mother, 46 years of age, died trying to protect my brother as the whole foundation of the church that they were in collapsed upon them.

But that event is a completely different story.

An hour before she died, she tried calling me. Being the loving daughter that I am, i ignored her phone call and let it go to voicemail. As I listened to her voice mail, I realized it's the same things she tells me all the time. Delete. I'll call her back later.

I did. I did try to call her back later- it was too late. She was gone.

Fortunately, I managed to retrieve her last message to me and saved it. Up til now I haven't the courage to listen to it... It's been more than a year but I know that listening to it will bring me nothing but sadness and feeling of losing one of the most important person in my life.

It's been more than a year since I listened to that message, here's what it says: "hey, I'm just wondering what you're up to. Hopefully you're sleeping since I know you worked last night. I'm heading off to church with your brother. You should start going to church again, and love Jesus so you would go to heaven and I'll get to see you. I love you".

Click.

When to shut up

So many things have had happened that I feel like there's not enough words or time to fully express what I'm feeling. Actually, there's no way for me to decipher what I'm feeling; all I know is that my heart feels like it's beating quite forcefully against my chest wall cavity.

Why the digital media? I have finished my first journal and now onto my second one. But the privacy (or time) is not there anymore. I have lost that one place I know I could put my thoughts and no one can judge me for it. Now I feel like I have to watch everything I do and everything I say. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. Honestly, I have never been in this situation before that I am uncertain as how to proceed.

It shows that my last blog post was January 2011 and it was me referring to 2010 as "The Voldemort Year"... little did I know that Life was not done throwing it's infinite shit at me (I'd figure it'd give another poor soul a shit time and leave me the fuck alone). 2011 was the shit year, and 2012 and looking too good either.

I certainly hope that the Mayans are right and we all just die before Christmastime.