Songs in the Pot

Just so i can be completely TMI, i can't get rid of this song in my head while i'm concentrating on sitting on The Throne.. if you know what i mean. LOL. I think it's a good song anyway


Daughtry- Life After You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cvm2OYF2p7E

The World Is Not That Bad Of A Place

Things have had happened to me. Not necessarily bad things to normal standards but it's enough to strip ones soul from ever hoping of a good life again. Luckily, i got over it. Everyday is a struggle between wanting to push forward and live, or give up.

Happy News!

- I got a full time job at Junction City. It's a 90-something bed hospital so smaller than what i'm used to but i'm starting to love it. It's closer to Fort Riley so there's a bunch of Filipinos here. They bring me food and that makes me oh so happy.

- The problem with the bf has been taken care of (for now). It's gonna take us a while, especially with my trust issues but we are getting through with this and just living our lives with each other one day at a time. He also gives me advice with what i should do with school regarding classes, which brings me to the next point.

- I'm going back to school in Spring 2011! I'm soooooo excited. Although enrollment and all that stuff will probably not gonna happen til later on in the year, i am still trying to psych myself out and think about classes and stuff. I did receive this pesky email about taking ESL but i will have to call them about it and give them a piece of my midwestern redneck mind! I've declared my major as Biology and i'm playing with an idea of getting a BA in German too but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it ;). Right now, i'm all about budgeting and trying to pay off most of my credit card bills and saving up for tuition. I'm going to try to make it through my undergraduate's without having to get student loans (i have over $8000 in student loans to pay off still).

Anywhooo... just when i thought that i got a hold of my own future, it hit me with a curve ball. Sometimes i think if it's the World's way of seeing if i can make it and still find a way to do what i always and have been planning to do. Well, suck on it Life. I freakin' win.

Never trust anyone- a poem

The anger is eating my soul,
my heart is torn,
my trust is broken.
You made me believe, dream, love
and now it's all gone.

I hope you are happy.
I hope you think it's all worth it.

You knew of my insecurities,
but you didn't care.
You know the things that upset me, and yet you
do them still.

You are being played, and you let it happen.
Know that i will never betray you like what
you did to me.
Are you two together now laughing at my misery?

She has the face of an angel, with a soul like the devil.
I bet she laughs like a devil too, especially when she
found out i left you.

I hope you are happy
I hope she is happy
If happiness is another person's misery- I hope you two are happy.

The Thing Is..

.. I don't want to leave Kansas.

I know i was miserable and didn't want to move here in the first place but what can i say, this damn place grew on me. There are times that i miss my life in Joplin but i know that that can never be. I've established my own life here in Salina. There's a different me in Salina, and there's a different me in Joplin.

I put off giving my landlady my notice to move out, because i know it would be official. And now it is, I have to leave my tiny (but much loved) studio apartment by April 30.

For many months i thought that i control my life, but it didn't turn out that way. I had this MASSIVE plan on going back to school and getting my BS then going to grad school and getting my MS then teach at a university. I applied for K-State and actually got accepted! It hurts me that i received mail informing me about enrollment dates when i fully know i won't be here in Kansas anymore. I'll be back in BF Joplin. Dammit, i thought this was my chance in actually having a "college life" and enjoying it in Aggieville.

I absolutely hate it when people say that maybe it wasn't for the best, or "it's not God's plan" or "there's something better out there". Fuck that. It's my life and this is what i want. It actually took me a while to formulate this plan and i thought and thought and thought about it and yes, THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO. But again, i do not control my life. Other people do.

So yeah, i lost my job. The job that i know, i've been bitching about and stuff, but like Salina, it grew on me. I started making friends and hanging out with them. I actually established myself as a good RT and all (and i mean ALL) ER doctors liked me; according to one doc i was "the only one with my head on my shoulders and not on my ass". And now that's taken away from me. No job, leaving town, leaving friends, leaving the prospect of being a K-State student... i hate it. I hate thinking about it. But it's reality, i have to face the fact that my bank account is slowly depleting and the smart move is to go back to my parents and lay low for a while.

I've applied to every hospital in the 4-state area (even Colorado) and none of them would hire me. It seems like complete bullshit that i'm a CRT with more than one year of experience but they won't take me, they'd rather hire an RRT with no experience. That just seems so effin unfair. I also think that i'm being blackballed by my former boss. I don't know what i did (or didn't do) to him but he just hates me and i want to know why.

So yeah. That's life for me right now. It's complete shit and i'm not much in the hopes of Life being good again. *sigh*

I've told myself to be cold,
If i control my life,
it is mine to hold.
And i will never get hurt.

For many moons it has worked for me,
I've lived my life as carefree as it can possibly be.
Staying away from emotions
and doing what i want,
without repercussions.