The Driving Chronicles: America the Beautiful

When i was a kid growing up in the Philippines, i get wowed when i watch those American movies showing, well, America. Everything just looks so big, so beautiful,... so clean. I never fully grasp the fact that i'm now living in the US 'til i take my car out for a drive.

I was driving to Olathe earlier today and i was excited. First, i get to see my dad. Second, i get to see what driving through E I-70 is about. Up until yesterday, i've gotten as far as Manhattan and i remember not liking the drive at all. Everything was brown and it smells vaguely of smoke. Of course that can be contributed to the field burnings that was going on at that time. Minute details, i know.

It was a mighty fine day, (i also turned on the airconditioning because it was 85 degrees in my apt. when i woke up), the sky was a picturesque baby blue with thin wisps of clouds that dotted it every so often. There was a constant breeze (that decided to ignore coming in through my open windows), and the trees had a luscious green color on them. I decided to drive with my windows down and see how far i can go through without rolling them back up and turning the car a/c on.

I merged on the highway and pressed the gas pedal like a have a kilo of cocaine strapped on the bottom of my car (l-o-l Talladega Nights reference). The wind was blowing east-ward, making it an easy drive. What with the windows open, it felt like i was floating on the hot cemented road. The scenery was different from what i expected.... Green! I'm seeing green!

East of Kansas is very different from West Kansas (or so i'm told. Favorite Western Kansas Joke- Q: What's the official tree of Western Kansas? A: Telephone pole). There is more to see on the Eastern part of KS and of course, it holds the "coolest" cities in KS like Manhattan, Topeka, and Lawrence. Hills dot the sides of the highway. Rolling green hills... sorta the Sound of Music type, but not really; these are small hills. Once i passed the Manhattan exit, the road wasn't the straight-flat type that i was expecting... there were some turns, ups, downs.

It was wide, big, spacious... You could've seen for miles and miles and miles (*insert The Who song*). There were the occasional trees that line a stream but apart from that, it's just one big spacious green. It was beautiful. How can anyone not think so after the sight that i just witnessed? America is beautiful. And if i thought so just by driving through Kansas for crying out loud, what would i think when i see all 50 states? People that live in this country are so lucky to be living here, but i think most take it for granted. I guess you'd never really appreciate something until you've seen something completely different from your "usual" view.

I'm a proud non-American. I'm blessed and thankful to say that i live in such a marvelous place. From my kiddie eyes being wowed at the American films, to actually get to see them in person. You people need to like your country more, if not the government, love the place... is all im sayin'.

Everything's Not Lost

All instances in life can be summarized by a Coldplay song.

It is almost 5:30 in the morning and as i struggle to fall asleep after downing two generic PM medicine, iTunes played "Everything's Not Lost" for me and i thought (as i mostly do with Coldplay songs) "how fitting...hhm".

When you thought that it was over
You could feel it all around
And everybody's out to get you
Don't you let it drag you down

'Cos if you ever feel neglected
And if you think that all is lost
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah

Hoping everything's not lost

I've been suffering from what i think is a mild case of depression for weeks now. Maybe it's the fact that i'm living by my lonesome on a city where i don't know anyone, or maybe it's because i drove the one person i love away from my life; possibly Forever.

I am really thinking that everything is over and the whole world is out to get me. I do feel neglected and everything is lost! But that one last line.. "hoping everything's not lost". Sure, i've said over and over again that hope is a futile emotion. People get so caught up in it that they forget reality. They forget what really should matter and forget what should count as demons. But i can't help it! I hope and i hope and i hope. I've created this alternate reality that i just want to escape to. The other reality that everything is not lost. The other reality where i'm happy and the love of my life is with me. I wake up with a huge reality slap that it ain't gonna happen again. That part of my life is done and over with... time to move on. Right?

Right now i just want to feel loved again. I know i have my family and my friends who do just that. But sometimes, i feel like they say "i love you" because they have to. I haven't felt that genuine "i love you" from anyone in a long time. People just want to be loved, and i'm no different from anyone. I don't want to lay awake in bed thinking everything is lost.

life is for living we all know
And I don't want to live it alone

Often times i like being alone, in my room, thinking my thoughts. But this loneliness i feel is different. I like being alone when i have a choice to be alone, but right now, i have no choice but to be alone. I want to live my life and i certainly don't want to live it alone. I want someone with me. I want someone to be a witness to my life; so i wouldn't have to think about leaving this Earth without anyone noticing.

I'm going to start counting my demons. Leave the good ones on my shoulder and drive the other ones away. And hope that everything is not lost. I really do hope that there is some way to make this all better... and some way that i can get some sleep tonight.

A Bottle of Lidocaine

So, i had ER again last night and i was pretty busy for the first 6 hours of the night and i was working my 4th night in a row... it doesn't even need to be said that i was le tired.

So what do i do when i finally had a chance to have a conversation with the guy that i've been totally crushing on for the last month?

Talk to another guy, that's what.

*sigh*. I talk the talk but i never walk the walk. When it comes to talking to strangers, i'm perfectly capable of doing that. But talking to people that i have interest on? Forget about it. It ain't gonna happen.

I was thinking about it and i realized that i would probably talk to him once i find out if he's married, engaged, has a relationship with... whatever. Because it means that i don't have a whelk's chance in hooking up with him. My self-esteem needs to go up, right about... NAO.