Last words

When the inevitability of death rolls along, what would be your last words? I know I tend to talk about "Life" a lot but it's the only concrete thing right now- and that's saying something seeing that Life in no way shape of form can be considered concrete. I guess the only "sure" thing about this life of ours is death.

Last words- are they really that important? Shouldn't what you've done in your short human years count more than the last words you ever said to anyone? Typically they do, but in this particular post- I want to talk about my mother.

See, here's the thing: I've always resented my mother. Like every other normal creature in God's green earth, I have a mother issue. I saw the way she raised me was unfit and totally messed me up for good. She was a traditionalist and I wanted to explore and gain knowledge and more freedom that I could ever manage to bite, chew, and swallow.

One thing I know is for certain though: I knew that she loved me more than Life itself. She was so incredibly selfless that anything I do just absolutely pales in comparison. My biggest regret is not telling her with any chance I had that I love her.

May 22, 2011 an EF5 tornado with over 350mph winds busted through the middle of Joplin, MO and claimed the lives of 162 people- one of them was my mother.

My mother, 46 years of age, died trying to protect my brother as the whole foundation of the church that they were in collapsed upon them.

But that event is a completely different story.

An hour before she died, she tried calling me. Being the loving daughter that I am, i ignored her phone call and let it go to voicemail. As I listened to her voice mail, I realized it's the same things she tells me all the time. Delete. I'll call her back later.

I did. I did try to call her back later- it was too late. She was gone.

Fortunately, I managed to retrieve her last message to me and saved it. Up til now I haven't the courage to listen to it... It's been more than a year but I know that listening to it will bring me nothing but sadness and feeling of losing one of the most important person in my life.

It's been more than a year since I listened to that message, here's what it says: "hey, I'm just wondering what you're up to. Hopefully you're sleeping since I know you worked last night. I'm heading off to church with your brother. You should start going to church again, and love Jesus so you would go to heaven and I'll get to see you. I love you".

Click.

When to shut up

So many things have had happened that I feel like there's not enough words or time to fully express what I'm feeling. Actually, there's no way for me to decipher what I'm feeling; all I know is that my heart feels like it's beating quite forcefully against my chest wall cavity.

Why the digital media? I have finished my first journal and now onto my second one. But the privacy (or time) is not there anymore. I have lost that one place I know I could put my thoughts and no one can judge me for it. Now I feel like I have to watch everything I do and everything I say. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. Honestly, I have never been in this situation before that I am uncertain as how to proceed.

It shows that my last blog post was January 2011 and it was me referring to 2010 as "The Voldemort Year"... little did I know that Life was not done throwing it's infinite shit at me (I'd figure it'd give another poor soul a shit time and leave me the fuck alone). 2011 was the shit year, and 2012 and looking too good either.

I certainly hope that the Mayans are right and we all just die before Christmastime.

Somewhere Beyond The Sea...

I have moved to Manhattan... Kansas! It's 2011! It's time for new stuff. 2010 is the Voldemort year- It Shall Not Be Named. But it's a new year, time for a new town, new people, new school, new education... and Frank Sinatra?

I officially moved here a few days ago and this is the first time i have the time to fix/organize my bedroom up but so far, all i've done is youtube Frank Sinatra and Bobby Darin songs. Sometimes i wish i lived in the Sinatra time.. everything is just so glamorous! But of course, i probably have to be white or something :P

This room that i have right now is probably the smallest room i've been, ever. My stuff barely fits but i have a couple of ideas that might make it better. The house i'm living in on looks like a crack house, but it's 2 blocks away from KSU and 3 stumbling blocks away from Aggieville, and i can take my dog with me! So far Orly is adjusting to being away from my parents, so far so good. I intend on walking him to the park everyday (save on rainy days, of course).

I am also living with 3 girls. And i don't know any of them! I've never had any roommates before let alone comfortable with strangers, but i am looking at this as a social experiment. I've seen 2 of them and have talked to one, since school hasn't started yet, there is no reason for them to be here.

School starts on the 18th and i'm excited! And scared! I've been out of the school game for 2 years and i'm afraid that i'm so used to working that i'm gonna be too tired or lazy or whatever do to school work. But i have goals and plans and i want to see them through! I hope i make it. And i hope that this new year would bring out a new me.

We will see. Happy new year!

Songs in the Pot

Just so i can be completely TMI, i can't get rid of this song in my head while i'm concentrating on sitting on The Throne.. if you know what i mean. LOL. I think it's a good song anyway


Daughtry- Life After You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cvm2OYF2p7E

The World Is Not That Bad Of A Place

Things have had happened to me. Not necessarily bad things to normal standards but it's enough to strip ones soul from ever hoping of a good life again. Luckily, i got over it. Everyday is a struggle between wanting to push forward and live, or give up.

Happy News!

- I got a full time job at Junction City. It's a 90-something bed hospital so smaller than what i'm used to but i'm starting to love it. It's closer to Fort Riley so there's a bunch of Filipinos here. They bring me food and that makes me oh so happy.

- The problem with the bf has been taken care of (for now). It's gonna take us a while, especially with my trust issues but we are getting through with this and just living our lives with each other one day at a time. He also gives me advice with what i should do with school regarding classes, which brings me to the next point.

- I'm going back to school in Spring 2011! I'm soooooo excited. Although enrollment and all that stuff will probably not gonna happen til later on in the year, i am still trying to psych myself out and think about classes and stuff. I did receive this pesky email about taking ESL but i will have to call them about it and give them a piece of my midwestern redneck mind! I've declared my major as Biology and i'm playing with an idea of getting a BA in German too but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it ;). Right now, i'm all about budgeting and trying to pay off most of my credit card bills and saving up for tuition. I'm going to try to make it through my undergraduate's without having to get student loans (i have over $8000 in student loans to pay off still).

Anywhooo... just when i thought that i got a hold of my own future, it hit me with a curve ball. Sometimes i think if it's the World's way of seeing if i can make it and still find a way to do what i always and have been planning to do. Well, suck on it Life. I freakin' win.

Never trust anyone- a poem

The anger is eating my soul,
my heart is torn,
my trust is broken.
You made me believe, dream, love
and now it's all gone.

I hope you are happy.
I hope you think it's all worth it.

You knew of my insecurities,
but you didn't care.
You know the things that upset me, and yet you
do them still.

You are being played, and you let it happen.
Know that i will never betray you like what
you did to me.
Are you two together now laughing at my misery?

She has the face of an angel, with a soul like the devil.
I bet she laughs like a devil too, especially when she
found out i left you.

I hope you are happy
I hope she is happy
If happiness is another person's misery- I hope you two are happy.

The Thing Is..

.. I don't want to leave Kansas.

I know i was miserable and didn't want to move here in the first place but what can i say, this damn place grew on me. There are times that i miss my life in Joplin but i know that that can never be. I've established my own life here in Salina. There's a different me in Salina, and there's a different me in Joplin.

I put off giving my landlady my notice to move out, because i know it would be official. And now it is, I have to leave my tiny (but much loved) studio apartment by April 30.

For many months i thought that i control my life, but it didn't turn out that way. I had this MASSIVE plan on going back to school and getting my BS then going to grad school and getting my MS then teach at a university. I applied for K-State and actually got accepted! It hurts me that i received mail informing me about enrollment dates when i fully know i won't be here in Kansas anymore. I'll be back in BF Joplin. Dammit, i thought this was my chance in actually having a "college life" and enjoying it in Aggieville.

I absolutely hate it when people say that maybe it wasn't for the best, or "it's not God's plan" or "there's something better out there". Fuck that. It's my life and this is what i want. It actually took me a while to formulate this plan and i thought and thought and thought about it and yes, THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO. But again, i do not control my life. Other people do.

So yeah, i lost my job. The job that i know, i've been bitching about and stuff, but like Salina, it grew on me. I started making friends and hanging out with them. I actually established myself as a good RT and all (and i mean ALL) ER doctors liked me; according to one doc i was "the only one with my head on my shoulders and not on my ass". And now that's taken away from me. No job, leaving town, leaving friends, leaving the prospect of being a K-State student... i hate it. I hate thinking about it. But it's reality, i have to face the fact that my bank account is slowly depleting and the smart move is to go back to my parents and lay low for a while.

I've applied to every hospital in the 4-state area (even Colorado) and none of them would hire me. It seems like complete bullshit that i'm a CRT with more than one year of experience but they won't take me, they'd rather hire an RRT with no experience. That just seems so effin unfair. I also think that i'm being blackballed by my former boss. I don't know what i did (or didn't do) to him but he just hates me and i want to know why.

So yeah. That's life for me right now. It's complete shit and i'm not much in the hopes of Life being good again. *sigh*